The December new moon seemed to lift a veil I’d been under for much of 2017. This year has been characterised for me by feeling a bit stuck. So many things never seemed to really get off the ground. I did a lot of clearing out and purging of my space over the summer, but everything I started seemed to hover in a half-finished state. There was a lot of planning and wanting, and very little manifestation. Since September I’d been feeling pushed toward Shadow work, but somehow never grasped how to do it. I kept asking myself what to let go and telling myself to release it. I kept wanting to step into greater energy and the desire to move my body more and it never came. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn’t doing things that made me feel in balance and I wasn’t moving forward.
That is, until I stopped trying. The December moon waned, went dark and suddenly I seemed to step out of a fog I’d been in since around July. Suddenly everything – the frustration, the feeling I was stuck, the inability to pull myself out – had meaning. The reason I was clearing out and getting rid of possessions was to make room for the person I wanted to become. The Shadow work that never seemed to get off the ground was to exist in that frustration and not have control. Sometimes standing still IS moving forward.
I’m also aware that there are things I need to let go of still, and that I’m heading into more change in my life. But I’m ready to be in a bit more active phase of my life, in which I’ll be actively moving forward instead of just riding along in the wake of changes. I believe we are moving into a time of action as individuals and collectively. Perhaps we needed a longer time this year to get used to a changed understanding of the world, to acclimatise to outrage, to shift how we relate to others in the world, and that’s why it felt both breathless and also like it never really seemed to get started. All I know is that this New Years more than most I feel the blank page before me, waiting for me to leave my mark. My perpetual struggle to balance self-focus and activism seems not to be a struggle at all. Kindness to myself and kindness to others go hand in hand.
So, before turning toward progress, I want to thank 2017 for teaching me patience. It has been a struggle, for others much more so than for me, and I mourn for the lives that have been and will be lost needlessly as a result of this year’s events. But it’s important to learn from difficult times such as these. On my own small scale, if I hadn’t felt so lost, I would not have been able to strip away so much of what was harming me.
I wish you a new year full of powerfully positive change for yourself and for the world!
** The featured image is, alas, not one I took. It was by my wonderful and talented partner from a hike we went on last week in the Lake District. **